Archive for June, 2010

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering: “how do I save my unhealthy relationship” the first question you really need to be asking yourself is if you should save it.  No matter what type of relationship it is, family, friend, or lover, all relationships will have normal ups and downs.  If it seems like you have far more bad times than good, and it’s an important relationship worth saving,  than it’s time to see what can be done to make things better.

The first thing you have to remember is that you can’t fix a bad relationship all on your own, if your partner isn’t interested in trying than the relationship is already over, even though you haven’t realized it yet.

If, on the other hand, your partner seems just as willing as you are to try to figure out what the problems are, even if it means they have to make some changes too, and work on fixing them then here are some tips that may help:

1.  Communication.  I know you’ve probably heard this before but it is the number 1 way to fix a relationship, or tear a relationship apart when one or both of the partners lack good communication skills. This isn’t just about talking, it’s also about listening. It’s about the way you say things  and not just what you say.

For example, let’s say that a guy tends to go out with his buddies a lot and his girlfriend feels neglected and unloved.  If she wants to talk to her boyfriend about it, which do you think will get a better response: yelling at him and calling him names then bursting into tears and give him the silent treatment for a week, or set a time when neither of you is overly tired or in a hurry and calmly tell him how you feel, no yelling, name calling or accusations.  Just a mature conversation between two adults.  Which approach do you think might make the most impact?

Of course, the response you get when you use the proper approach will tell you volumes about where your guy is coming from.  If you calmly tell him that you’d like to spend more time with him and ask him to not spend quite as much time with his friends and he shuts you down or makes no attempt to change than he’s given you his answer: he just doesn’t care that much about you or your relationship. If this is the case, it’s time to move on.  Kick him to the curb and move on.

2. Once the two of you have committed to try to talk to each other, and listen to each other, in a more healthy, productive way the next thing you need to do is try to find some common ground. What types of things did the two of you do when you first met, and why aren’t you still doing them together?  Can you start doing some of those old activities again?  If not, why not try to find some new things that you can both really enjoy and that will allow the two of you more quality time together?

People say all the time that relationships are hard, I personally don’t believe that.  I think if you’re with the right person for you and you’re not trying to pretend that the person you’re with is right for you just because you are too afraid to find someone else, than the relationship is actually pretty easy and doesn’t have too many bumps in the road.

When it comes to your relationships, stop trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, instead take the time to find someone that you are truly compatible with and your relationship will bring both of you a lot of joy.  If you follow this approach you’ll never have to ask: “how do I save my unhealthy relationship” again.  You’re relationship will be wonderful and you’ll both be happy.

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Everyone likes to believe that the relationship they are in is a healthy relationship, but the fact is that many are not.  If you want to stop pretending and truly have a wonderful, loving, respectful healthy relationship than look over this list of tips that will help you achieve that healthy relationship.

1.  We all feel the temptation to ‘put our best foot forward’ and while that isn’t a bad thing, it’s very easy to take it too far and not really be who you truly are.  It’s one thing to use your best manners, but it’s another to pretend you like something that you don’t really like.

When you project a false image of who you really are, you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.  You will either have to maintain that phony persona forever or you will eventually have to let your partner see the real you.

Either way it’s not a good situation to be in.  Be yourself.  You have to have confidence in who you are and if you aren’t confidant enough to be yourself you should hold off dating until you can work on you for a while first.

One of the basic cornerstones of a solid healthy relationship is when both of you accept the other person just as they are.  If your partner is constantly trying to make you someone else why would you waste your time?  Let them go off and find their perfect someone and you do the same.  If they truly love you, then they’ll truly love you and all that you are…good and bad.

2.  Learn how to communicate with each other.  This is all about talking and listening.  It’s about building trust so that you can each have a safe place to express yourself openly and without having to fear being mocked or ridiculed.  It’s about finding a healthy way to communicate when something your partner has done bothers you.  It’s not about screaming, yelling, getting angry and defensive.  If the two of you can learn how to communicate properly, with respect and maturity, you will be well on your way to a great, loving, healthy relationship.

3.  There is a saying that opposites attract, and that can be true, to a point.  The fact of the matter is that while someone who is very different from you might seem exciting and unique at first, over a long time that ‘uniqueness’ can grow very old.

If you and your partner don’t agree on the core things than you are likely to have a very rocky relationship.  The two of you don’t have to agree on everything, and as long as you’re both mature enough to respect each other’s opinions, that’s fine.  But you should have core values that are similar.  For example, religious beliefs, beliefs about fidelity, desire to have children or not, what you consider right and wrong, etc.  If your core values are not in sync than you will have a hard time seeing each others point of view and it will lead to a lot of fights.

So many people waste so much time trying to make a bad relationship work when they could have been spending that time in a fun, loving, respectful, healthy relationship if they’d just been a little more careful who they picked for their partner.  It’s not about finding someone who is perfect, it’s about finding someone who is perfect for you.

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If you’re wondering when to end a relationship, then you’re faced with a hard decision. After you’ve invested time with another person, it’s never easy to say goodbye. This is true if you’ve been together 3 months, 3 years, or more. But sometimes learning when to end your relationship is the best thing you can do for both of you.

If you really love the person you’re with, you might wonder when to end a relationship and why. You might think that just because you love him or her, you should stay and work things out. And very often it is worth a try.

Many people give up on their relationships before they’ve really tried to fix them. Because it’s difficult, they throw in the towel instead of working on their problems. This is unfortunate, because many people could probably be happy together if only they weren’t afraid to try.

And other people have problem after problem and keeping working hard when most people think they should just give up. It’s as if these people are gluttons for punishment. Their partner keeps cheating on them and they keep taking him back. Or their partner keeps making other mistakes and letting them down.

It seems they don’t know when to end a relationship. But usually it’s that they’re simply afraid of being alone and moving on.

There are obvious situations that should tell you when to end a relationship. If your partner is abusive, it’s time to get out, no excuses. If you don’t feel safe, even down to feeling like you’ll have something to eat and be secure, then you should move on.

Other things are less sure. If your partner has cheated, for instance, does that always mean it’s time to leave? Some people can get past one mistake like that. They sometimes end up with a stronger relationship after the affair.

But more often they really never get past the betrayal. Even if it never happens again, the one who was cheated on can’t let go of the hurt. And the one who cheated will eventually get tired of the suspicion and guilt.

If there has been cheating in your relationship, it’s not easy to decide if it should end. You should really talk about everything involved. From trust to fear of it happening again, it should all be put on the table in an honest discussion.

How about if you feel like cheating? If you have a really strong desire to be with someone else, should you end it? These types of feelings are natural. You can even have fantasies about other people. But if you’re constantly thinking that you’d be better of with someone else, maybe you really would be.

If you love your partner and you’ve tried different ways of working it out, step back. How have you really tried?  For how long? When to end a relationship isn’t always easy to see, but if you know you’ve done everything and it’s still not working, it may be time to go.

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Save Your RelationshipIf there were a magic secret to relationships, someone would have already bottled it and made millions of dollars. But there are several ways to make your relationship strong and give it the best chance of lasting a lifetime. Most of them are common sense and some are just reminders of when the relationship was new. None of them are really a secret.

•    Love. It’s not enough to love your partner, but you have to show them that you love them often. You should never be in a relationship if you don’t feel genuine love for someone, and feel comfortable expressing it.

•    Respect. If you don’t respect the person you’re with, there’s little hope for the relationship. If you laugh at your partner, feel he or she is often a joke, dumb or worthy of some kind of scorn, then what’s the point?

•    Kindness. Treat your partner with kindness always. A secret to relationships is to be as courteous when you’re alone and not feeling thrilled at that moment as you would with a stranger on the street.

•    Thoughtfulness. Put your partner’s needs and desires at the top of your list. Little gestures are often some of the most powerful.

•    Honesty. Lies can ruin a relationship quickly, even if they’re lies about nothing important. Don’t do anything deceptive and you’ll never have to lie in the first place.

All of those are important to a relationship and may be called the “secret to relationships.” But you really need all of them for a good relationship, and they’re things everyone already knows. The hard part can be figuring out how to express some of them.

Honest is pretty easy to show. Simply be open and honest during conversations. Don’t be afraid to let your partner see your true self, especially when you feel scared, sad, lonely or vulnerable.

Showing respect and showing kindness can go hand in hand. By treating your partner with respect, you show that you support them. You’ll back them up in their ideas and actions because you respect and believe in them.

Even when you don’t necessarily feel they’re doing the right thing, you can respect their decision and be kind in your words about it. Disagreeing pleasantly is a so-called secret to relationships.

Thoughtfulness and love can be expressed hand in hand, too. Telling your partner that you love him is one way to express love. But maybe he feels more loved when you reach out and rub his shoulders for a minute as you pass. Or you balance the checkbook so he doesn’t have to do it.

People perceive love differently. If you can find what your partner perceives as the most loving thing and do that, you’re expressing your love perfectly for that person. And you’re being thoughtful, too. You’re thinking of that person and trying to make them happy.

If you combine these things and apply them, then you’ve found the secret to relationships that can make your partnership a happy one.

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You might think it’s too bad you can’t take a class called relationships 101 in college. They offer math, physics, literature and tons of classes, but a class on relationships is something that could help everyone. Fortunately, you have the skills already to save your relationship and make it better without needed a relationships 101 course.

Most relationships, no matter what happens, can be saved. There are a few relationships that shouldn’t be saved, like those that are abusive or really miserable. But most others have the potential to be fixed. That should be lesson number in any relationships 101 class.

The problem is, people give up too soon. They’re angry, hurt, upset and it just seems easiest to get out of the situation that made them that way. It’s all too easy to focus only on what’s happening now, and not the past.

If the relationship was good at one point, and most were or no one would have stayed in it very long, then it really can be that way again. But people have to look past the anger and the problems that are happening now, and remember those good times. That’s the only way they’ll even want to try to use relationships 101 theory to save the couple.

To cause further problems, often one person is ready to work hard at saving the relationship. But the other person won’t look past the bad to remember the good. That person is ready to chuck it all away. And can only person save a relationship?

Sometimes one person can do it, but it’s not easy. It’s hard to stay positive and hopeful when your boyfriend of girlfriend doesn’t act or feel the same. It can start to feel like you’re fighting a losing battle.

Relationships 101 lesson #2: Keep fighting the battle, because even if the relationship doesn’t heal, it will make you a better person. That’s because the things you’ll do to try to save the relationship are simply good for you, and good for the other person, too.

It’s very important to remember the way you behaved with the relationship was new and going strong. Compare that to how you behave with that person now. And turn things around by acting the way you used to, and doing the things you used to.

Strive to be polite again just as you were in the beginning. Be thoughtful and be a good friend to the person whenever you can, even if you’re not going to get anything out of it. Don’t beg them to come back, tell them they need to come back, or threaten what will happen if they don’t come back.

When faced with someone acting like that, would you want to be with that person again?  Tell yourself that you’ll survive no matter what happens, but do your very best to show them the person they want to be with again. Best the best “you” no matter what is the best relationships 101 lesson there is.

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